Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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