matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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