You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
