I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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