I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
