Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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