i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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