i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
