Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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