dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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