matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
