Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
