I murdered the dance floor call the cops
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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