"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
