Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
