Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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