Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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