My first STD was from a foam party
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Vodka?
Forever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
