ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
