she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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