Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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