I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
