its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I am one with the molecules
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
