Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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