dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
