I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
