So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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