but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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