he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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