Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
