I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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