Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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