yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
