WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
