I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
