I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
