If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
