my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
