She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Holy sore nipples Batman
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
