I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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