It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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