Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
