accomplished twins. life is a go
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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