This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
