i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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