just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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