i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
