I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We are two peas in an std pod
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
