hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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