I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
