just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Never underestimate the power of titties
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
