btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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