so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
