I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
