Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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