My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
