so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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